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FROG under construction by ~madhatterzwei:iconmadhatterzwei:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


Several different endings to my life as a frog [under construction]

My lips are peopled with secrets I’ll never get to taste,
whole populations on indentations from my teeth
and the whistle I used all summer.

Every fateful day full of pulled muscles, playful tussles,
Ruffled hair and, once, a wish to be Farrah
Because she was strong and envied and damn!
If she didn’t pull of feathered layers.

The secrets are hot as a marble held under a tongue,
on a dare from a dangerous boy.
He stepped on frogs and laughed at its guts
Coming out of its mouth, steaming.

Look at its little eyes! The blend in with the ground.
Look at it’s legs, all stiff tendons and ligaments,
broken like a picket fence in pointed pieces,
the bones all bayonets honed to cannibalize its brothers.
©2007-2009 ~madhatterzwei
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Submitted: August 21, 2007
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Author's Comments

This is for my Senior Thesis. I like this piece the best out of the ten I've picked for the first ten pages.

It's already in pieces, I just need y'all to rip it up. ♥
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Comments


~maskedpianist:iconmaskedpianist: Aug 21, 2007, 4:07:53 AM
So, another amazing piece. There are a few typos, but so what.

"pull of feathered" = pull off* feathered

"He stepped on frogs and laughed at its guts" = He stepped on frogs and laughed at their" guts"

"its mouth" = their* mouths*

And then "it's" to "their's" in the last stanza.

"The blend" = They* blend

:blahblah:

The only part I didn't really like as much as the rest was the second stanza; I kinda started to lose it there. But the last two stanzas definitely pulled it back up. I don't exactly know why. It may be because I didn't really like the rhyming a whole lot.

But yes, the rest was awesome. :heart:

--
If you weren't real, I would make you up.
-Joseph Arthur
~immobileFreedom:iconimmobileFreedom: Aug 21, 2007, 2:05:38 PM
Mreh. Whatever you write sounds brilliant to me so i can't help edit, but i can encourage! As guitar hero 2 would say: You Rock!

--
:alphaosiris:
~LipWriting:iconLipWriting: Aug 22, 2007, 1:35:53 PM
whole populations on indentations from my teeth
and the whistle I used all summer.

I feel as if those two lines are unclear. As if it would read better were it :

whole populations leave indentations on on my teeth
and the whistle I used all summer

or

whole populations on indentations from my teeth
on the whistle I used all summer.

Whatever you think gets your point across. I'm just confused by it at this point. :heart:

--
"If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like. " - Garden State
-+-+-+
roses are red
violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
this one doesn't?
~madhatterzwei:iconmadhatterzwei: Aug 22, 2007, 2:09:22 PM
As I said, it's a rough draft so I'm definitely taking these into consideration. I like the first suggestion better, however. :heart: Thanks for being so honest and helpful, sweets!

--
It grieves me that this is not a dirigible,
that the sea stows us as a song in the belly of a maestro...
Oliver de la Paz
~madhatterzwei:iconmadhatterzwei: Aug 22, 2007, 2:16:47 PM
Aww, thank you so much! :heart: Encouragement is a huge help.

--
It grieves me that this is not a dirigible,
that the sea stows us as a song in the belly of a maestro...
Oliver de la Paz
~madhatterzwei:iconmadhatterzwei: Aug 22, 2007, 2:24:54 PM
Thank you sweetheart! <3 I've been getting lazier when it comes to those things. :hug:

I believe I only meant one frog in this. It's good you pointed that out because I'm going to have to think about whether I want it singular or plural. Hm.

--
It grieves me that this is not a dirigible,
that the sea stows us as a song in the belly of a maestro...
Oliver de la Paz
~LipWriting:iconLipWriting: Aug 22, 2007, 2:39:03 PM
:heart:

--
"If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like. " - Garden State
-+-+-+
roses are red
violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
this one doesn't?
~maskedpianist:iconmaskedpianist: Aug 22, 2007, 3:46:35 PM
I like it better with one frog, but you'd have to change it around a tad bit. But you are most certainly welcome! :smooch: :heart:

--
If you weren't real, I would make you up.
-Joseph Arthur
Mood: Satisfied ~bittersweet-insanity:iconbittersweet-insanity: Aug 23, 2007, 6:16:11 PM
I LOVE the first stanza. The second is pretty damn awesome too. But the third and fourth seem kinda like they're from a different poem... it has a quicker, more staccato sound that's sorta awkward

"once, a wish to be Farrah" this part of the second stanza doesn't seem to work to me

*I like the third stanza better with all of Bugs' corrections, I realized that's mainly why I didn't like it... but the last stanza still seems weird to me

--
***
But you are in the ground with the wolves and the weevils
All a'chew upon your bones so dry
~the Decemberists

:heart:
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